JOKE THREAD

[GOA MASTER MDMA]

you know a funny joke ??
post it here .........................

for extraordinary good jokes you earn ranking points for the TS4 -TENNIS ELLBOW AND .....DMT TOPSPINTOUR !!

.....ask DJARVIK via PM HOW YOU CAN EXACTLY EARN THIS EXTRA WORLDTOUR POINTS

[GOA MASTER MDMA]

I HAVE ONE .......................................................related to tennis .


A blonde woman hires a tennis instructor. After several attempts , it is clear she's not very good at the game. The instructor suggests, "Try holding the racket like you hold your partners penis". Straight away, the blonde is much better, hitting the balls with force and precision. Impressed, the instructor then goes on to say "Very good , now try taking the racket out of your mouth"

[GOA MASTER MDMA]

We can still have fun...to prove it...I'll share with you this joke.


A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

[BluudyEEfingaz]

I HAVE ONE .......................................................related to tennis .


A blonde woman hires a tennis instructor. After several attempts , it is clear she's not very good at the game. The instructor suggests, "Try holding the racket like you hold your partners penis". Straight away, the blonde is much better, hitting the balls with force and precision. Impressed, the instructor then goes on to say "Very good , now try taking the racket out of your mouth"

OMG!

[BluudyEEfingaz]

TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

[Tamthewasp]

67% of Americans cant count while the other 53% are illiterate

[JohnCurveo]

TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS

[djarvik]

Whats the difference between mother-in-law and a criminal?

[spoiler]Criminals are "wanted".[/spoiler]

[BluudyEEfingaz]

Whats the difference between mother-in-law and a criminal?

[spoiler]Criminals are "wanted".[/spoiler]

I hope your wife doesn't see this somehow!

[BluudyEEfingaz]

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "B1TCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen...

[emate007]

I suspect s/he was a transvestite; to crash into anything going uphill on a narrow steep road takes a female touch.

[SlicerITST]

If only women could communicate better.

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

[spoiler]The wheelchair[/spoiler]

[safe_as_milk_]

What's the difference between the mona lisa and robert mugabe?

[spoiler]One of them is a 16th century painting by leonardo da vinci, and the other one is a zimbabwean dictator[/spoiler]

[Vieira151]

Massive batch of jokes.

[spoiler]Some jokes.

Some guy came up to me in the street today and said, "God, you look odd."
I replied, "Well, so do you."

Guess that made us even.

I was blindfolded and was told to lick some items. When asked what the first item was, I said it was a guitar, and was right. I also guessed the second one right, which was a trumpet.

I just have a very good musical taste.

Why does the Navy prefer to recruit non swimmers?[spoiler]They're more committed to defending the ship.[/spoiler]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers today.
[spoiler]Everybody.[/spoiler]

This one is a little long.[spoiler]Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."[/spoiler]

My neighbor is always ready do do me sexual favours. My favourite is when she has me babysit her eight year old daughter.

Relationships are a lot like fat people.

They usually don't work out.

My neighbours daughter has a really bad stutter.
By the time she manages to say stop, I've already finished.

I used to be a huge fan of Robocop and now I've just been fitted with a prosthetic leg. Oh the iron knee.

I recently a newspaper headline and it read: "MAN HELD AFTER RAPE."
I thought, it’s nice to cuddle afterwards.

I like my women the way I like my wine.
Preferably over 10 years old, but if you have to pick one up from a service station on the way home from work, you can't be too fussy.

I like my women how I like my Starbucks: Weak with an unwieldy cup size.

Nothing screams paedophile like the seven year old in my cellar.

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?[spoiler]
Gang rape.[/spoiler]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?[spoiler]
Nothing, you already told that bitch twice.[/spoiler]

Have you ever eaten Ethiopian cuisine ?

[spoiler]No problem, neither have they.[/spoiler]

Doctor: How's the situation with the boy who swallowed all his mother's quarters?
Nurse: Still no change.

Who are the most decent people at the hospital?

The ultra-sound people.

Question: Why did the French have rear-view windows in their tanks in WW2?
Answer: So they could see the warzone.

How do you sink the French navy?
[spoiler]Put it in the water.[/spoiler]

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
[spoiler]All of the sailors were marooned.[/spoiler]

What did one wall say to the other wall?
[spoiler]Let's, ah, meet up in the corner over there.[/spoiler]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
[spoiler]Beer nuts are a dollar fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.[/spoiler]

What did the 0 say to the 8?
[spoiler]Nice belt![/spoiler]

A baby seal walks into a club.

One tectonic plate walks into another, and says, "Oops, my fault."

What is Muhammed Ali's least favorite game?
[spoiler]Jenga.[/spoiler]

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
[spoiler]A murderer.[/spoiler]

You really shouldn't make fun of the holocaust with poor jokes. It's disrespectful to the thousands of families who lost loved ones in that terrible genocide. In fact, my grandfather died in the holocaust.
[spoiler]He fell off of his guard tower.[/spoiler]

What do you call a black man who is selling drugs?
[spoiler]A pharmacist.[/spoiler]

How come when a girl sleeps with loads of guys she is considered a slut, but when a guy does it he is considered a homosexual?

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife? Neither has he.

A rabbi, a lawyer and a catholic priest are on a ship and the ship hits an iceberg and begins to sink.

The rabbi yells "Save the women and children!" the lawyer yells "**** the children!" and the priest yells out "Do you think we have time?"

[/spoiler]

[Tamthewasp]

The last 1 offends me