Yeah, dude. I really wish I was joking
Short version: We're all drunk in a bar for my best friend's birthday (4 guy friends and my best friend's GF). It was crowded, and loud. I needed to move through the area right in front of the bar, and the GF was in my way. I lightly touched both her shoulders from behind so she would know I was behind her and so she would move out of the way, but apparently she "doesn't like people touching [her] neck", because she turned around and gave me a right hook in the jaw without even checking to see who it was!!! Seriously! The impact was so loud and enough people saw it, that the bar seriously went silent for a few seconds while I sat there dazed and rubbing my jaw. I started laughing really hard though, and everybody turned back around
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I went and told her BF (my best friend), but he was already about 8 drinks deep and wasn't very coherent. He mumbled something about "Now you see what I have to deal with every day".
The punch in the nose came about an hour later, at my friend's apartment. I was really drunk by this time so the exact details of this one are very fuzzy; I just remember that I did nothing to provoke her either time. She's just a crazy bitch. I took it in stride...what am I gonna do, knock out a 5'2 110 lb girl? I was a little too drunk to feel much pain or anger- that hit me the next morning
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